Unwanted Shtoriesh

Photo 46

The Stories That Weren't Good Enough

Several years ago (three to be exact) I started filling this blank notebook up with something that has ultimately ended up plaguing me. This was a collection of very short thoughts and memories and observations that eventually (over the course of a few months) added up to a few hundred.

I took what I considered to be the best of those few hundred and, with the help of an illustrator/designer,  produced a very fine looking book that I am, a couple years later, still trying to get published.

The “best” 150 that make up that book are ingrained in my skullet. I’ve read them a 1000 times over. But what about all those other ones I had deemed not good enough? I recently flipped through that original first draft notebook. Although I still agree they aren’t the best I find some real dumb charm in these bastard writings. Here are a bunch:

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“DONKEY PUNCH” – There was a flood that killed everything except for the creatures that stayed on the only boat on Earth. On that boat there was a man and a woman and their sons and a bunch of animals. And that’s why everyone you know is a bit retarded and hairy.

“LEVI” – The first time I saw a dog’s erection I thought he had a worm coming out of his penis. It really scared me because it was my dog and I loved him.

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“TRICKS” – Hide under the bed and breathe in all the dust and reach out for your dad’s ankle when he walks past. He’ll never see it coming.

“THE ITALIAN CHEF” – Buy these things: a can of tomatoes, red peppers, garlic, basil, chili peppers, olive oil, salt. Mix those things together and call yourself Italian Chef and call it tomato sauce.

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“HUGS” – Try to remember what a hug means to you. You can remember through comparison. A girl you love, you hug her when you see her and you don’t think while you do it. A girl you’re fucking, you hug her when you see her and you think about it while you do it and what you’re thinking of is that you’re hugging a girl you’re fucking.

“PIGEON” – An organ player is also a painter, but everyone knows him as an organ player and they ask him, “Why don’t you play a song,” when there’s an organ nearby, even when they don’t want to hear his music.

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“STEPH” – I fell in love with a girl named Stephanie when I was 6-years-old and it lasted, that love, until she told me that “You don’t mean that. You’re drunk.”

“LIFE IS CRUEL” – I slept on the top bunk-bed. It had a cage around it, like a crib. I slept in a crib until I was 8 and when I told my parents to take it down I fell out of my top bunk-bed and would smash into the bedside table down below.

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“I WAVE AND HE WAVES AND THAT’S IT” – I always wave to the man who runs the bar on the corner of my block. And when I go in and order from him he treats me like a piece of shit.

“SCARY” – I can’t remember whether or not I respect people who frighten me. I’ve got a feeling it’s the latter.

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“TICKLE” – Mr. Belfry’s nose hair made me laugh. When he’d kiss my stomach it would make me laugh. Otherwise I hated him quite a bit for the things he did.

“TAROT CARDS” – The death card means good fortune.

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“ANGEL” – She puts on her Oktoberfest apron over-top her dress. Later she stands on tables and consumes gallons of beer. She is full of love and admiration. She is an angel in a tent.

“CHECK AND CHECK” – Check your pockets. Check all the pockets in every pair of pants you own. Look through your jackets and backpacks, under your blanket and in your pockets again. Your passport is missing and you’re going to burn in hell.

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“UNCONVENTIONAL LOVE LETTER” – A good way of reminding someone of yourself is by putting candies on their ceiling fan.

“GIFTS FOR GIRLS” – It’s nice to give your girlfriend lots of nice gifts because the next boyfriend will feel a bit uncomfortable and jealous when he’s in her room.

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“YOU’RE NOT SO BAD” – If you’re the new person and nobody’s talking to you remember it’s not because you have the face of an asshole, it’s because you’re new and no one ever genuinely likes the new person.

“HOT SUMMER NIGHTS” – My family has a lake-lot and we’d go there every summer. My best friend’s name there was Tom. One time we were sitting around the campfire and my mom spilled hot chocolate on Tom’s crotch. He had to run home to put some ice on his scrotum. My mom can be really funny sometimes.

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“WRITE AIDS ON A YELLOW BALLOON AND GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WITHOUT AIDS” – Balloons are used all the time by charities to raise awareness.

“LAUGH GENERATOR” – Stand beside my dad in church and listen to him sing the hymns because he only knows a few words like “Lord” and “Hallelujah” and he’s tone deaf and he squints and puts a lot of heart into it.

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